'Twas the Night Before Conservative Christmas

In honour of the holiday season, we re-wrote the Christmas classic to bring you 'Twas the Night Before Conservative Christmas. Find out what gifts "Saint Harper" has for Canadians: 

'Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the House
Not a "creature" was stirring
Not even John Baird’s mouth

The stockings all hung
By Canadian chimneys with care
In hopes that good government
Soon would be there

The children were nestled
All safe in their beds
While visions of the Family Tax Cut (well, only in one of 10 households)
Danced in their heads

And besieged public servants
And neglected uniformed vets
Had just settled down
For a much-deserved winter's rest

When out in all ridings
The air it got blustery
Canadians sprang from their beds
Worried it might be Mike Duffy

Away to the windows
They flew just like leopards
Already expecting the worst
Given the Conservative record

The moon on the breast
Of the new fallen snow
Gave a ghastly lustre
Of nightmare
To political objects below

When what
To their wandering eyes
Should beget
But a miniature sleigh
And a puppet cabinet

With a frumpy ol' driver
So pasty and dour
They knew in a moment
It must be "Saint Harper"

More rabid than wolves
His coursers they came
As he shouted
And shouted!
And shouted!!
Them by name

"Now Oliver
Now Moore
Now Fantino
Now Kenney
On Ambrose
On MacKay
On Raitt
And on Finley

To the top
Of BC
To the top of the GTA
Now pander
And pander
And pander away!"

So up to the housetops
Harper's coursers they flew
With a sleigh full of ill-conceived tax breaks
And Economic Action Plan ads, too ($14.5 million worth)

Still, on so many issues
The country only heard silence
Thanks to the muzzling of civil servants
And men and women of science

After launching attack ads
The Tory’s started to stump
And down our chimneys
Saint Harper
He came with a thump

He was dressed all in grey
A pale shaded suit
And his clothes were all tarnished
With Canadian soot 

A half-empty sack  
He had at his side
And he looked very much
Like he had something to hide

His eyes they were icy
His frown lemon sour
His cheeks were very much 
Like the colour of flour

The glare in his eyes
And a twist of his head (360 degrees)
Soon gave the country to know
It had everything to dread

He spoke not a word
But went straight
To his work
Disenfranchising voters
Like some heartless clerk
 
Closing veterans offices
Attacking the Supreme Court
Ignoring the Robocall scandal
With a harsh little chort

Cutting $36 billion to health care
And again from the CBC
But a climate change plan?
There was nothing to see 

Regulations are "crazy
He said with some sass
Saving all his best presents
For Big Oil and gas

With a stocking of coal  
To both the centre and left
He gave a curt nod
And up the chimney
Went swift

He sprang
To his sleigh
And to his team
Gave a roast
"Gift delivery sure makes me regret
Cutting Canada Post"  

But Canadians heard Harper warn
As he drove out of sight
"You’ll be seeing a lot more of me
Before election night"
 
And if you'd like to avoid reading the real "A Night Before Christmas" to your kids this year, and would like the Conservative Party to do it for you -- backed by an orchestral score -- you're in luck!
 
With his monotone opening lines, we're amazed at how Harper can make even holiday verse sound frightening. (Also, check out the 2:43 mark to find out why Peter MacKay should never do community theatre.)
 

Photo: uggboots2009. Used under a creative commons BY 2.0 licence.